we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
