Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
