why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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