Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
