Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
