just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
