I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
