can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
