I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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