My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Randomize