she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
