I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i think i just lost a toe
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
