As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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