My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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