Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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