Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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