No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
