separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
