I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am available for nakedness
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
