im six kinds of drunk right now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
