I can text with my tongue
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
