Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
