I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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