Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize