the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize