yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
