Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
