i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
