can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
