gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
