the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
