she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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