He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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