I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
