About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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