Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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