I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Operation Purity has been aborted
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
