paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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