is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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