im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
