Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
