Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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