Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
