Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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