All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
