Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
