i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
