Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
