Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
