I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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