dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't turn off my feet"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
