please come you make the beer taste better
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
