i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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