Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize