his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
