Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is Oprah even human
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
