I want to stick my p in your. b.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
