i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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