I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
