I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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