We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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