theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
